I turned 31 the other day and it didn't really bother me that much, I was 30 last year, no big deal, getting older, getting on...the usual niggles of not being young and hip weren't biting too hard, then today I was filling out a questionnaire on a website and I realised...I've fallen into a new age bracket, while they're just numbers, these definitions shout volumes...

Under 18 - Your still a kid, a whippersnapper, no booze for you young man, its Lego bricks, playstation games, school being "uncool", sweets and bright bright flashing colours!

18-25 - University and the aftermath, drinking, partying, your waistline isn't bigger than your age, you might go traveling in India this year on a ridiculously large loan...Yeah you've got a job but jobs are for squares man! Go to work on your skateboard and sell skunkweed to your pals.

26-30 - Brass tacks time, getting a job, getting on but carefree, paying back those loans, you can still club it with the young pups, youthful and trendy like it will never end, "even though I'm getting on, I will still be an old hipster", your settling down with a wife to be, those debts don't seem to be getting any smaller, beginning to get interested in furniture and interiors.

31-40 - That job you've been doing for the last 5 years doesn't seem to be going anywhere does it? Your not allowed to arrive on your skateboard anymore. Why are there younger kids with more money getting more kudos than you? Your getting old, and it gets harder from here in, no more youthful energy to start anew, that flashy furniture you got 5 years ago is looking dated, hip kids blush and cringe at your music collection, gardening seems like a really interesting pastime

41-50 - Deep in parenthood, raising children and they HATE you for it, pouring endless streams of cash at the brats only for about 2hrs of feel good factor they provide per month, those doubts about your job are true, your not progressing, your in a rut. Your waistline has given up laws of bodily proportion leaving you with a sagging gut and your job is just a motion to go through to pay the bills

51-60 - Older, wiser a small glint in the eye, a small wry smile on your thinning lips, is it the years of experience and lessons learned? Or is it you know you have only a few more years of drudging to and from the shithole that is your work before you can retire and the brats are finally leaving home (before traveling in India) to leave you in peace and quiet.

61-70 - The golden years, the waistline is finally decreasing and so are you, you've contracted muscular dystrophy / cancer / Alzheimer's and its not too long now before you peg it

Over 70 - At this age you wont even be able to read any of the above unless it's in big print, and even if it was your brains half gone with senility. Still its a nice way to go out thinking your 4 years old again cacking your pants in some old folks home.