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Apple announces "ZeitgeistTimer"™
Both Industry insiders and consumers are abuzz with Apple's latest technology offering; the ZeitgeistTimer™.
Leaked only today by former Apple R&D employee Emmanuel Goldstein, its sheds light on Apples previous innovations and reveals the future of the iPhone for millions of eager Apple fans the world over.
Goldstein in an exclusive interview told us more about the Zeitgeist timer's™ functionality and features.
Meeting in the fashionable Tokyo district of Daikanyama, Goldstein laid out the premise of ZeitgeistTimer™ to our reporters at Sasqwach over latte, the following is transcribed from recording.
Goldstein:"At the moment a lot of people in Japan are not buying Iphones, basically because Japan was an industry leader for years in mobile phone development; they had 3G, full email support, oneseg television, camera's with over 5 mega pixels,etc. The Japanese market was massively confident any western manufacturer could not compete with them, until the iPhone that is..."
Sasqwach: "Yes we've noticed there seems to be a reluctance to move over to the iPhone in Tokyo can you tell us why that is ?"
 Goldstein:"Well upon release of initial sales figures from Japan we were shocked at how badly the iPhone had went down over here, our Tokyo offices investigated what the word on the street was and it was uninmous the Japanese and its mobile phone industry was officially in "kanshyaku"
Sasqwach: "kanshaku ?"
Goldstein:"Basically a tantrum; the fact that Apple moved into the market with their 1st model of mobile phone that could do more than Japanese phones was a slap to the face to many. We noted the success of ZeitgeistTimer™ with the ipod shuffle in Japan so we decided to go public and utilise the technology with iPhone and the upand coming next iPhone 3gs2."
Sasqwach: The 3gs2 !? and ZeitgeistTimer™ Please tell us more !"
Goldstein:"Well it breaks down like this; at the moment we have a large share of the market sector that will not buy an iPhone and stick with their current mobile phone, this accounts for almost 80% of the marketplace, we call this bracket the "cautionary consumer". We made a large number of sales within this market upon release of the 3gs in Japan which included ZeitgeistTimer™."
Sasqwach:"I understand, I personally was reluctant to buy the iPhone until 16GB model was available and held out, so how does it work then ?"
Goldstein:"Well, basically as you now know we have the ipod "classic" and the iTouch and the iPhone. The iPod classic has ended its product lifecycle and will not include ZeitgeistTimer™; As a product it has become standardised, any product improvements to the iPod "classic" would be superfluous for a "standard" user, this is the beauty of ZeitgeistTimer™."
Sasqwach:"So...the other Apple products will go the same way ?"
Goldstein:"Exactly ! At the moment a lot of the owners of the first released model of the iPhone are feeling the benefits of ZeitgeistTimer™ with the announcement of the 3gs !
Sasqwach: "what kind of benefits ?"
Goldstein:"Well all those who bought the first released model were achingly hip, their coolness was undeniable, but now someone else can get a better model than the current one they have. The ZeitgeistTimer™ switches on and the performance of the device immediately pales in comparison to the newer models features leaving the owner rather embarrassed at dinner parties or social gatherings when they come across a social equivalent of themselves who has the newer model."
Goldstein:"It's simple really, with ZeitgeistTimer™ we release carefully designed and thought out products that appeal to both the general public and technically anal with a large memory space left in the device to include the ZeitgeistTimer™, its only with device updates that the ZeitgeistTimer™ memory usage get smaller and smaller until the product is standardised and bought by your "Average Joe" and having the product has entered the "mainstream" so much so it's monopolised competitors out of the market and no longer has no "instant cool" in owning the product for the consumer."
Sasqwach: "Doesn't this leave consumers who want full
product benefits constantly having to upgrade at their own personal
expense and Apples profit ?"
Goldstein:"Exactly, that's how we work at Apple, thanks to the ZeitgeistTimer™ our customers are perpetually on a thin cusp between "ultra cool" and "out of date", I mean remember the first iMac, you would only see one of them in a junk store or your grandma's house, but at the time having one made you instalty cool, creative and sexually appealing to both sexes."
Sasqwach: "Sounds like a hustle if you ask me."
Goldstein:"Yes it is, ZeitgeistTimer™ ensures your never fully satisfied with your device until the moment its has become standardised and then will be sold with the marker "does not include ZeitgeistTimer™ Coolness sold separately." at that point buying the device itself is pointless as Apple will have a new product in development primed for launch to an audience of millions of fans, who continue to pay over the odds for new versions of their existing product until having the product is considered passe."
Goldstein:"For example the iPhone today when the day comes it becomes standardised or "properly finished" as we like to say in the lab, the beta of iSabre will be released."
Sasqwach: "iSabre !?!?"
Goldstein:"Ahh I've given away too much, we'll have to finish this interview here today."
Sasqwach: "Thanks.....I think....!?"
Are you a moron ? Did you believe this ? If so, We at Sasqwach think we can help you....This entry is 100% fiction and 100% Satire and believing such nonsense would make you feeble minded and near retardation, furthermore if you work for Apple and youre angry I'm making fun of you or besmirching your name http://www.fakesteve.net/ C'mon you would've sued him if he wasnt so hip with the kids, so don't sue me neither. Kisses.
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Posted by sasqwach
at September 8, 2009 3:26 PM | Permalink
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